A young stockbroker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you are a stockbroker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Warren Buffet, the Easter Bunny, Super Man and an ethical stockbroker find themselves each in a corner of a large trading floor. In the center of the trading floor is a $100 bill. If each individual starts racing towards the center of the floor at the same time, who gets the $100?

Answer: Buffet, of course -- the other three don't exist!

The CIA had an opening for a new agent. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - a mathematician, a doctor and a stockbroker.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the mathematician to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her!"

The mathematician said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The doctor was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the doctor came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the stockbroker's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the stockbroker.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

A stockbroker was giving an example on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "If I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A man shouted, "It's because yer feet ain't empty."

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others he is told by the doorman. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That’s wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" "That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think the stock market is heading?"

Two little boys, Jack and Tom, were sitting in the park talking.

"What kind of work does your Daddy do?" Jack asked.

"My Daddy's a teacher," Tom replied. "What does your Daddy do?"

"He's a stockbroker," Jack said.

"Honest?" asked Tom.

"No, just the regular kind!" Jack replied, with a shrug.

A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to be paid, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A stockbroker came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the investing system." The next morning the barber found a dozen stock brokers waiting for a free haircut.

If you're given a choice between money and [censored]appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your [censored]appeal!

The Pope and a stockbroker are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the stockbroker up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The Pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get Popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a stockbroker!"