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Liadan  
#41 Posted : Wednesday, September 19, 2007 11:12:20 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided.

QUESTION: Who did the investor marry?

ANSWER: The prettiest one.

Liadan  
#42 Posted : Thursday, September 20, 2007 8:33:54 AM(UTC)
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A civil engineer, a chemist and a stockbroker are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The chemist says, "That's OK, I'll sleep in the barn." The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the stockbroker is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see:

It's the cow and the pig!

Liadan  
#43 Posted : Friday, September 21, 2007 1:10:03 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

Liadan  
#44 Posted : Monday, September 24, 2007 10:10:29 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
Liadan  
#45 Posted : Thursday, September 27, 2007 10:04:25 AM(UTC)
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One day a trader collapses. A concerned collegue checks on him and discovers he's not breathing. He cries out

"DOES ANY ONE KNOW CPR?!!"

A Trader at the other end hears this and yells out the reply

"No, but don't do anything! I think I have a BUY open on that"

Liadan  
#46 Posted : Friday, September 28, 2007 9:12:46 AM(UTC)
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Along with the new iPod Touch, today Apple announced the iPhone Shuffle: for when you want to talk with someone, but you don't know whom.
Liadan  
#47 Posted : Wednesday, October 3, 2007 4:20:46 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner
(about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost li ke having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party,
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"
Lady Astor looked at C hurchill and said, "Sir, you are drunk!"
He replied, "And Madam, you are ugly. At least in the morning I'll be sober."
Liadan  
#48 Posted : Thursday, October 4, 2007 9:22:45 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally.
Liadan  
#49 Posted : Friday, October 5, 2007 3:41:09 PM(UTC)
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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Liadan  
#50 Posted : Monday, October 8, 2007 9:15:16 AM(UTC)
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The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
Liadan  
#51 Posted : Wednesday, October 10, 2007 12:20:19 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.
Liadan  
#52 Posted : Thursday, October 11, 2007 9:10:56 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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On the first day God created the sun - so the Devil countered and created sunburn. On the second day God created sex. In response the Devil created marriage. On the third day God created an economist. This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist!
Liadan  
#53 Posted : Friday, October 12, 2007 10:03:15 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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They say that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
Liadan  
#54 Posted : Tuesday, October 16, 2007 5:20:51 PM(UTC)
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The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.
Liadan  
#55 Posted : Thursday, October 18, 2007 9:17:57 AM(UTC)
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A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.

When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.

There a clerk asks him:

"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

Liadan  
#56 Posted : Friday, October 19, 2007 10:33:55 AM(UTC)
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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a shee[censored]h manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

Liadan  
#57 Posted : Wednesday, October 24, 2007 10:06:21 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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A wealthy stock broker was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to an exotic pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual talking pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my s[censored]s."
Liadan  
#58 Posted : Thursday, October 25, 2007 8:42:13 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong.
You will never run out of things that can go wrong.
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The less you do, the less can go wrong.
You can never tell which way the train will go by looking at the track.
Always assume that your assumption is invalid.
Liadan  
#59 Posted : Friday, November 2, 2007 9:42:39 AM(UTC)
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Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things.
Liadan  
#60 Posted : Wednesday, November 7, 2007 2:18:19 PM(UTC)
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A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK's most ludicrous piece of legislation.

Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold.

The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.

The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules.

A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down.

In third place, with 6%, came a law stating that only a clerk in a tropical fish store has permission to be topless in public in Liverpool.

Driving blindfolded

Other lesser-known laws making the top 10 included one banning eating mince pies on Christmas Day and another stating it is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

Almost half of those asked confessed to breaking the mince pie law, which was brought in by Oliver Cromwell in the 17th Century.

The unusual international laws on the list included legislation against naming a pig Napoleon in France, driving while wearing a blindfold in Alabama and unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday.

The Law Society last year revealed other bizarre UK laws still in existence on the statute book.

They included a ban on firing a cannon close to a dwelling house (Met Police Act 1839); a ban on the use of any slide upon ice or snow (Town Police Clauses Act 1847); and the prohibition of driving cattle through the streets of London (Metropolitan Streets Act 1867).

Dead whales

The UK's top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

  • 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)

  • 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down (7%)

  • 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)

  • 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)

  • 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)

  • 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4%)

  • 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)

  • 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)

  • 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour (3%)

  • 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)

    False teeth

    Other bizarre foreign laws voted by those polled included:

  • In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk (9%)

  • In Indonesia, the penalty for [censored]ion is decapitation (8%)

  • A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine a woman in the reflection of a mirror (7%)

  • In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm (6%)

  • It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama (6%)

  • In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed (6%)

  • Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth (6%)

  • In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits (5%)

  • In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon (4%)
  • all information is from bbc.co.uk

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