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Heidi B  
#201 Posted : Monday, March 9, 2009 10:50:56 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

A robber shoved a note under a bank teller's window which said, "I've got you covered. Hand over all the money in the cage and don't say a word."

The teller opened the cash drawer and wrote something down. Then he closed the drawer and returned the note to the robber.

On the back he had written, "Kindly go to the next window; I'm on my lunch hour."

Heidi B  
#202 Posted : Tuesday, March 10, 2009 11:30:18 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA applying for a stockbroker's position, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $225,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks vacation, 15 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 60% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The MBA sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Heidi B  
#203 Posted : Wednesday, March 11, 2009 11:32:19 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Markets are the places where two types of people meet up in the morning:

Those with experience and those with money. Towards the end of the day, they exchange their assets and go home.

Heidi B  
#204 Posted : Friday, April 3, 2009 10:52:29 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

It is not how much you make that counts but how much money you keep.

Heidi B  
#205 Posted : Monday, April 6, 2009 2:31:20 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it.

Heidi B  
#206 Posted : Wednesday, April 8, 2009 10:17:21 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one stockbroker who is still going around passing out his business cards."

Heidi B  
#207 Posted : Thursday, April 9, 2009 3:20:56 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Three guys decide to play a round of golf:

A priest, a psychologist, and a stockbroker. They get behind a VERY slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on.

By the 8th hole, the three guys are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on.

The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The stockbroker says, "I really didn’t expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."

By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.

The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

The stockbroker ponders the situation -- finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."

Heidi B  
#208 Posted : Monday, April 13, 2009 12:29:09 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a stock market analyst?

ANSWER: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Heidi B  
#209 Posted : Tuesday, April 14, 2009 1:25:01 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?

Heidi B  
#210 Posted : Friday, April 17, 2009 2:20:41 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb:

We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

Heidi B  
#211 Posted : Tuesday, April 21, 2009 10:05:05 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
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Location: Salt Lake City

The trading floor of an exchange is an environment wherein a higher concentration of people are subjected to more incomplete information bits flying around than anywhere else.

Heidi B  
#212 Posted : Wednesday, April 22, 2009 12:59:06 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans.

The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.

The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.

The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener ..."

Heidi B  
#213 Posted : Friday, May 1, 2009 12:30:17 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered, Registered Users, Subscribers, Unverified Users
Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

A stock market analyst is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower:

He doesn't win many contests for accuracy, but he keeps the crowd's attention.
Heidi B  
#214 Posted : Friday, May 1, 2009 1:27:59 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered, Registered Users, Subscribers, Unverified Users
Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Origami Bank folded last night.
Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up.
Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches.
Kamikaze Bank took a dive.
1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Onsen Bank has taken a bath.
Miso Bank is in the soup.
The share value of Samurai Bank has been slashed.
On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares can be had for a song.

Heidi B  
#215 Posted : Monday, May 4, 2009 2:38:54 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
Heidi B  
#216 Posted : Tuesday, May 5, 2009 11:02:27 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

P/E Ratio:

The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Heidi B  
#217 Posted : Thursday, May 14, 2009 10:37:14 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job.
Heidi B  
#218 Posted : Friday, May 15, 2009 9:55:37 AM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

An economist is someone who tells you what to do with your money after you have already spent it.
Heidi B  
#219 Posted : Thursday, June 25, 2009 1:52:09 PM(UTC)
Heidi B

Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Moderators, Registered, Registered Users, Subscribers, Unverified Users
Joined: 9/22/2008(UTC)
Posts: 114
Location: Salt Lake City

The stockbroker was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."

"How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

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