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Liadan  
#21 Posted : Monday, August 13, 2007 3:21:43 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "
What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical
."
Liadan  
#22 Posted : Tuesday, August 14, 2007 3:17:43 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A stock broker says to another "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."

"You're right" the second stock broker replied "My whole life all I've done is lose money".

Next day the second stock broker comes into work and resigns.

The first stock broker asks him "So what are you going to do with your life?"

" I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time." says the second Stock broker

"How?" asks the first stock broker

"I am going to build a web page and take it public." replys the second stock broker

Liadan  
#23 Posted : Tuesday, August 14, 2007 3:43:26 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is a stock broker who going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan joking that if she trades like she borrows money she probably isn't very successful.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's round garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are not only a multi-millionaire, but one of the most successful stock brokers in the city. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Liadan  
#24 Posted : Wednesday, August 15, 2007 9:48:43 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.

"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.

"One," replied the new guy.

"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"

The salesman answered, "$58,334."

Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.

"First I sold a man a fishhook and some bait," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat -- he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."

The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"

"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."
Liadan  
#25 Posted : Wednesday, August 15, 2007 5:20:26 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A cop stopped a guy for speeding. “May I see your driver’s license?”
“I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth drunk driving charge.”
“May I see your ownership and registration please?”
“It’s not my car. I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?”
“That’s right. But I think I saw the ownership and registration in the glove box when I was putting the gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir. That’s where I put it after killed the guy who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.”
“There’s a body in the trunk!?!”
“Yes sir.”
Soon car was surrounded by police, and a police sergeant approached the driver. “Sir, can I see your license, ownership and registration?”
The driver gave it all to him. All was in order. The sergeant said, “Whose car is this?”
“It’s mine, officer.”
“Can you open the glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?”
The driver opened the glove box. There was no gun. The sergeant said, “Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in there.”
The driver opened the trunk – there was no body. The sergeant said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” said the driver, “and I bet he said I was speeding too.”
Liadan  
#26 Posted : Thursday, August 16, 2007 10:56:56 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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Two stock brokers, Jon and James, head out for their usual 18 holes of golf. Jon offers James a $50 bet. James agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, James is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, James secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Liadan  
#27 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:17:49 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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Version 1:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"

Version 2:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Liadan  
#28 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:49:59 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said ... Here lies a stockbroker and an honest man."
Liadan  
#29 Posted : Friday, August 24, 2007 2:26:35 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."

The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.

"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."

"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

Liadan  
#30 Posted : Monday, August 27, 2007 10:20:13 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God.

Jose  
#31 Posted : Monday, August 27, 2007 10:23:29 PM(UTC)
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Location: Koh Pha-Ngan, Earth

Was thanked: 2 time(s) in 2 post(s)
Excellent humor, Liadan! :-D jose '-)
Liadan  
#32 Posted : Wednesday, August 29, 2007 12:24:35 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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At a country-club party a young stockbroker was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young stockbroker declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the brokerage firm where your father has his account."

Liadan  
#33 Posted : Wednesday, August 29, 2007 12:30:09 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A very successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the stockbroker. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!"

Liadan  
#34 Posted : Thursday, September 6, 2007 12:28:21 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ...
Liadan  
#35 Posted : Thursday, September 6, 2007 12:35:13 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $10 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly 3 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly 8 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Liadan  
#36 Posted : Friday, September 7, 2007 12:48:27 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours, then a get asleep again, wake up again for some more crying..."

Liadan  
#37 Posted : Monday, September 10, 2007 10:34:58 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands. The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog." The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street stockbroker and not a student. The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot."
Liadan  
#38 Posted : Thursday, September 13, 2007 10:09:16 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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Everybody who predicts the future with a straight face should be required (by law) to change out of the business suit, wrap him/herself in a gypsy shawl, wear one of those pointed wizard's hats with a picture of a crescent moon on it, and make conjuring sounds over a crystal ball. That way, everybody would know exactly what's going on and how much credibility to give the answer!
Liadan  
#39 Posted : Friday, September 14, 2007 4:04:53 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

Liadan  
#40 Posted : Tuesday, September 18, 2007 2:38:56 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
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