An American investment banker was walking by the pier of a coastal Mexican village when a fisherman docked his small boat nearby and tossed several large yellow fin tuna onto the dock.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?"

The Mexican replied: "Not very long -- maybe a couple of hours, senor."

The American then asked why the fisherman didn't stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs and was happy with that.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life which I enjoy very much."

The American rolled his eys and said, "I'm a Harvard MBA and could help you. Here's what you should do: spend more time fishing. You get more money, and with that, you buy a bigger boat. Then you can catch more fish, and buy an even bigger boat. If you work hard, then soon you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor. If that works out, then you open your own cannery. At that point you would control the product, the processing and the distribution. And, you could leave this little town and move to Mexico City, or LA and or even New York City. From there you could run the whole thing by phone, Fedex and the Internet.

The Mexican fisherman thinks this over for a minute and then asks, "Interesting. How long will this all take?"

The American thought for a little bit, took out his calculator and punched in some numbers, and then announced "I think you do this in only 15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "Here's the beauty of the whole thing. When the time is right you announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions!"

The Mexican thought this over for a little longer, staring out to sea and thinking about what millions would buy. He asked, "Okay. Millions... then what?"

The American said, "This is the best part -- you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance the local communities swimming pool.
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' personal home pool.

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS:

1.BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

2.BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

3.BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.

4.BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

5.CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.

6.CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

7.TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.

8.CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

9,DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.

10.DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.

11.FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.

12.HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

13.HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

14.INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

15.KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

16.MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

17.MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.

18.MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

19.MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

20.NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

21.ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

22.ROM - Where the pope lives.

23.SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

24.SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

25.SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

26.SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.

A new investor had just come in to see a famous stockbroker. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" said the investor. "Of course," the stockbroker replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is," said the stockbroker, "And what's your third question?"

I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.

There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!

Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.

"Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."