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Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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Rank: Newbie
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Posts: 9
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and Vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of Shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f****ing map again."
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Posts: 2,995
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Quote:I'm no programmer by any means...
Quote:I can practically code almost any condition in MetaStock, as long as it doesn't violate any of nature's laws, such as looking into the future.
Give me a break, please. This is pretty funny! :lol:
You might not be a programmer, but you can code like no programmer I ever met. Maybe we can make you an honorary programmer, huh?!
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Location: Glastonbury, CT
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Please pass this along to those in charge!
Who’s the Boss? And how he got there!
One day all of the body parts had a discussion as to which body part would control the body and become the Boss.
As the body parts assembled, the Brain made a statement that he should become the Boss, because he did all of the thinking.
The Eyes claimed that they should be Boss, because they provide the vision to lead.
The Arms and Hands claimed that they point the way.
The Heart said that without it pumping blood that it was the most vital.
The Legs and Feet claimed that since they carry the load, that they should become the Boss.
As the Body parts continued to argue as to who should become the Boss, the lowly little [censored]spoke up and stated that he should become the Boss.
All of the other body parts started to laugh! The little [censored]was humiliated and became angered!
I’ll show them that I deserve to be the Boss, so he started a work stoppage. He refused to do his bodily functions.
After 4 days passed the Body became so constipated, the Brain was having migraines and couldn’t think straight. The Eyes vision became blurry and they couldn’t see straight.
The Arms, Hands, Legs and Feet became lethargic and couldn’t move. The Heart slowed down.
The Body Parts were shutting down and finally they caved in and voted the little [censored]as the Boss!
The moral of this story is that to be a Boss, You don’t have to be smart. You don’t need Vision, You will never carry the load. You don’t have to be the most vital part of the body. You just need to be an [censored]!
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Joined: 3/7/2005(UTC)
Posts: 1,346
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hey g..... fixin to send you somethin about marilyn..... appears she's shakin up another site in a mighty big way...... she still gets my vote for best supported actress.... google hayseed style...... i ain't brave enough to post it..... h
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Here is a list of expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knott Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally
9). Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: [censored]y [censored]y Bang Bang
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered, Registered Users, Subscribers
Joined: 9/10/2004(UTC)
Posts: 863
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Is a TexasTornado And a AlabamaDivorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Joined: 3/7/2005(UTC)
Posts: 1,346
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so now we know what patrick meant when he said he felt like holy water.....
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
hey g..... betcha a nickel some of those zz top lookin bikers will be paying ms m a visit..... might even give her a ride....
riddle...... what would the google girl look like on a harley going 60.......
answer..... zztop-less .....
can't you just see wabbit scratching his head saying what the heck's a google girl......h
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered, Registered Users, Subscribers
Joined: 9/10/2004(UTC)
Posts: 863
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
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:) If my neighbor saw the harley one she would be bummed... she loves harleys..
and I didn't write that personally. I did a toy drive this last year with the Utah version of the Hells Angels... something Saints... it was fun.. I got to ride on a harley in the Utah Grizzlies mascot uniform.. www.utahgrizzlies.com
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Joined: 3/19/2005(UTC)
Posts: 2,995
Was thanked: 14 time(s) in 10 post(s)
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Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral-
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men... are men.
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Posts: 1,346
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its been a while since we had a friday funny...... with so much recent press about 10, heres a 10 blast from the past.....
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George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Janet Reno, and Bo Derek were all traveling together by train in the same private car. The ride was rather uncomfortable, as you can image. As they were going along, the train entered a long tunnel and the car was plunged into darkness. In the darkness was heard a loud SLAP!!
Bill Clinton thought, 'Oh my God! Dubya touched Bo Derek and she thought it was me and slapped me!'
Bo Derek thought, 'Oh my goodness! Bill Clinton touched Janet Reno thinking it was me, and she slapped him!'
Janet Reno thought, 'Oh my stars! Bill Clinton touched Bo Derek and she slapped him!'
George W. Bush thought, 'Cool! I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap him again!!'
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this bo-dacious link is for patricks benefit.... he was just a toddler back then, using crayons to write formulas on the living room walls......h
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