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Liadan  
#1 Posted : Friday, July 6, 2007 9:39:52 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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I'll be posting random funnies (jokes) here.

Feel free to add in your own if you come across one I've missed.

Liadan  
#2 Posted : Monday, July 9, 2007 3:44:26 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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An American investment banker was walking by the pier of a coastal Mexican village when a fisherman docked his small boat nearby and tossed several large yellow fin tuna onto the dock.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?"

The Mexican replied: "Not very long -- maybe a couple of hours, senor."

The American then asked why the fisherman didn't stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs and was happy with that.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life which I enjoy very much."

The American rolled his eys and said, "I'm a Harvard MBA and could help you. Here's what you should do: spend more time fishing. You get more money, and with that, you buy a bigger boat. Then you can catch more fish, and buy an even bigger boat. If you work hard, then soon you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor. If that works out, then you open your own cannery. At that point you would control the product, the processing and the distribution. And, you could leave this little town and move to Mexico City, or LA and or even New York City. From there you could run the whole thing by phone, Fedex and the Internet.

The Mexican fisherman thinks this over for a minute and then asks, "Interesting. How long will this all take?"

The American thought for a little bit, took out his calculator and punched in some numbers, and then announced "I think you do this in only 15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "Here's the beauty of the whole thing. When the time is right you announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions!"

The Mexican thought this over for a little longer, staring out to sea and thinking about what millions would buy. He asked, "Okay. Millions... then what?"

The American said, "This is the best part -- you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Liadan  
#3 Posted : Monday, July 9, 2007 4:29:39 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
wabbit  
#4 Posted : Monday, July 9, 2007 6:56:33 PM(UTC)
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usenet:iinet.general wrote:

Watch for these consolidations in 2007

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.


1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
[censored]y[censored]yBangBang



wabbit [:D]

Liadan  
#5 Posted : Friday, July 13, 2007 11:34:19 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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The Godfather, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The stockbroker interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the heck my money is."

The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a [censored]tol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, [censored]the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the heck my money is!"

The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Liadan  
#6 Posted : Tuesday, July 17, 2007 2:18:38 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance the local communities swimming pool.
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' personal home pool.

Liadan  
#7 Posted : Tuesday, July 17, 2007 2:57:49 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new prosperity and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed he did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And seeing it, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others, and I fear that Job's son Stephen will not be able to pull our fat out of the fire as he did of yore with his fruit of the apple tree."

And as Abraham paddled his way across the water on his log, he looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel -- or as it came to be known, "eBay" -- he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

Dot replied, "Do not worry yourself, my husband.

Just log on. We will call our name, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators." "YAHOO!", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Liadan  
#8 Posted : Thursday, July 19, 2007 9:41:47 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS:

1.BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

2.BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

3.BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.

4.BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

5.CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.

6.CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

7.TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.

8.CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

9,DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.

10.DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.

11.FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.

12.HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

13.HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

14.INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

15.KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

16.MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

17.MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.

18.MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

19.MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

20.NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

21.ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

22.ROM - Where the pope lives.

23.SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

24.SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

25.SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

26.SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.

Liadan  
#9 Posted : Friday, July 20, 2007 8:52:18 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "At first I was disapointed in my son, but I've recently started to change my mind. He's a [censored] hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. Between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

Liadan  
#10 Posted : Monday, July 23, 2007 1:57:49 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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A new investor had just come in to see a famous stockbroker. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" said the investor. "Of course," the stockbroker replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is," said the stockbroker, "And what's your third question?"

Liadan  
#11 Posted : Friday, July 27, 2007 11:44:58 AM(UTC)
Liadan

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What is the most dangerous month to invest?
The answer from Mark Twain

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

PTJim  
#12 Posted : Friday, July 27, 2007 1:34:39 PM(UTC)
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.’

Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’ The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’

He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ...’ he said with a deep sigh... ‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’



In case this doesn't make sense in your locale, here is a USA photo that may help.

Liadan  
#13 Posted : Monday, July 30, 2007 3:44:59 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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Q. What is the easiest way to spot a Shorter on a Message Board or Chat room

A. Look for the ones who seem to have more questions than the press at a White House briefing.

Liadan  
#14 Posted : Monday, July 30, 2007 3:45:58 PM(UTC)
Liadan

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  • Q. How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party?

    A. They had all gone short.

  • Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?

    A. Not many of them were willing to go long.

  • Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?

    A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.

  • Liadan  
    #15 Posted : Tuesday, July 31, 2007 9:23:28 AM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

    While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

    While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand.

    Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?"

    The first stockbroker : "It's the $100.00 I owe you!"

    Liadan  
    #16 Posted : Wednesday, August 1, 2007 10:50:52 AM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.

    There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!

    Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.

    "Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."

    Liadan  
    #17 Posted : Friday, August 3, 2007 8:59:49 AM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    Seven habits that help produce the anything-but-efficient markets that rule the world
    ~by Paul Krugman in Fortune.

    1. Think short term.
    2. Be greedy.
    3. Believe in the greater fool
    4. Run with the herd.
    5. Overgeneralize
    6. Be trendy
    7. Play with other people's money

    Liadan  
    #18 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2007 10:01:22 AM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of New York City."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

    "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."

    Liadan  
    #19 Posted : Wednesday, August 8, 2007 3:59:06 PM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

    He replied that he slept like a baby.

    He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

    He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours, then a get asleep again, wake up again for some more crying..."

    Liadan  
    #20 Posted : Thursday, August 9, 2007 6:45:15 PM(UTC)
    Liadan

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    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
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